Hello gorgeous friends and welcome to my sixty eighth blog.
As I have mentioned before but feel it’s worth a repeat. My blogs are my thoughts and feelings after researching topics that pique my interest. They are by no means reference tools or substitutes for any form of therapy. I am just a girl wanting to strive towards living my life as best as I can. I really do appreciate all your messages and feedback, and so appreciate it all. Thank you.
Before I dive into regrets, I feel we need to differentiate between guilt and regret. I wrote an intense blog on guilt last year and these two words are often used interchangeably. There does not seem to be a universal agreement on the definitions of these. Nonetheless, most definitions suggest that guilt occurs when we do something that we know is wrong while we are doing it, typically for ethical, moral, or legal reasons regret is the emotion that we experience when we look back on an action and feel we could or should have done something differently, usually based on an outcome.
The Covid pandemic has brought regrets to the fore in so many ways and on so many platforms.
Adult offspring regret decisions they made about the care of their aging parents. Others are tormented by the fact that they may inadvertently transmitted Covid to the people they love. Parents who have kept their children at home now feel guilty because of their kids having subsequent mental health problems.
Then there are people who have expressed regrets during the pandemic about staying in a bad relationship or not taking a trip before Covid started or not doing or completing something important when they had the chance. People regret not making the most of the hard lockdown to focus on self-development and those who have lost loved one’s regret words unsaid, or time not spent.
So many regrets.
Regret has obviously always been around and, In fact, one study found that regret was the second most frequently mentioned emotion in everyday conversation (after love). Romantic regrets seem to be the most common, and those centred on social relationships.
There is a great deal written about regrets that elderly or terminally ill folk have on their deathbeds. It may sound melancholy, but I believe we can all learn something from this.
So, having read and read and watched and listened, below are some ways in which we may be able to avoid future regrets.
- Learn from your past regrets.
Boy, have I been working on this one. What I realized quite a while ago, is that at the time I did what I subsequently regretted, I would have definitely thought it through and my actions would have come from an informed platform, mostly. Retrospectively, it is so easy to be self-critical for a mistake made, but if one can just accept that mistakes are a part of life, it can be such a great learning curve. This will also help us have a better understanding of ourselves.
- Express those feelings
We all know the “I love you”, and “I am sorry” and I would never want to trivialize these, as they are beyond important and always need to be said. However, it’s just as important to express your hurt and distress. Keeping these feelings bottled up can cause as much damage. However, it is super important to think carefully about the way you speak and the words that you use when you say what you feel. Also speak after a few deep breaths and in a quiet and calm state of mind. This is most definitely quite hard for me, as my wont is to shoot from the hip if I feel wronged and my viper-like tongue has wreaked damage often. Will keep plugging away at this one.
- Play and rest and work.
Find a balance with these, remembering this is your journey, not the journey of others and comparisons are utterly odious. Tons of studies have revealed that nobody on their deathbed wishes they had worked more. The desire is there but not that easy all the time. Make good choices and bring as much consciousness to the choices you make daily. Love your life.
- Be kind to yourself
The obsessing about regret is a big one for me, and I have spent so much wasted time ruminating over this. The guilt, shame, criticism, and reproach all directed at oneself that inevitably follows this leads to the shutdown of some learning centres in the brain – not a good thing. We need to stop beating ourselves up and be kind to ourselves. Funny how this comes up in so many of my blogs. Reaching out and chatting to others who care and understand you can also be beneficial in helping you forgive yourself. I am beyond blessed in having people to be able to open up to.
- Worry less
We worry about what other people think, about things that may never happen, and we worry about things over which we have no control. Sadly, a great deal of my time is spent worrying but am taking positive action on and ongoing basis on this on.. Watch this space to see how I progress on this trip.
- Be spontaneous
Take that spur of the moment vacation. Invite an old friend for tea or bubbles. Climb that mountain. Enrol on that course or take those singing lessons. Now there is a thought. Don’t tell my boys. Anyway, leave your comfort zone and stop waiting for the perfect time. The perfect time is now.
- Stop sweating the small stuff.
Too much energy is wasted stressing over the insignificant things in life. Does it really matter that the dog peed on the Persian carpet again or that you spilt your coffee on your white physio coat? So clear in hindsight, but always so difficult to apply as it is happening but let us just give it a bash.
- Make amends
Repair rifts. Forgive and ask for forgiveness. Reconcile before it is too late. Not easy, at all, but so fulfilling and liberating if you are able to do this. How long we have here on earth is not a given.
- Live your authentic life.
Do what you love, and this does not necessarily mean giving everything else up, including your job. Be honest with yourself and others. Give yourself permission to follow your dreams. Be courageous. Do what you need to do to make you happy and fulfilled, and not necessarily what others say you should do to achieve this. Even if it is the smallest thing, just go for it. Take that chance. Make those plans. Bite off more than you can chew. I am definitely making inroads on this one.
- Laugh at life
As I have said before, we often have no control often over those big stressors, but we have control over the way in which we react to them. We need to put things into perspective and laugh. Overall, I am pretty good at this and seem to manage to laugh at least once every day. Sometimes it may be that hysterical sort of laughter but it’s stress releasing, none the less. Have fun, be crazy and weird and let your hair down often.
- Make the most of your time.
Many folks at the end of their lives wish they had done more with their time. We have chatted about this before. Try to make sure that there is time to do what you love, and if it’s possible love what you do. How long we are on earth is not a given. Let us live each moment of every day. Be able to say, “I’m glad that I did, not I wish I had”.
- Be happy and make others happy.
Happiness is not so much of a destination as a state of being. Change your mindset to one of self-love and nurturing. List the things that you’re grateful for, perform acts of kindness and try to find some joy in every day. As i have said before, bringing joy to others, will inevitably bring joy to you.
- Leave a legacy
This could be your choc brownies or the magnificent family that you have raised or the work you have done in your community. It is the intangible memories and feelings people hold for you when you die. I have not really explored this, but it is well worth thinking about.
- Take care of your health
Your health is your wealth. Eat well, sleep more, go for those checkups and walk outdoors. Again, oft repeated.
- Listen to your intuition.
Check in with yourself regularly and listen to that gut feel, that instinct and go for it. Trust yourself. Sometimes this can be quite difficult as we do try to ignore our intuition when it does not necessarily go hand in hand with our desires at the time. Its well worth persevering with this one.
- Love your family and friends.
Appreciate your nearest and dearest while you can, and try to make sure they know that you love and care for them. Love them as much as you can. This has always been important for me, and even more so now. I am still trying to park my regret at not having told Muz more often that we absolutely loved and cherished her. We are starting to make up for lost time with friends, and I feel that over lockdown I have remained in touch with most of them.
Well, that’s for today, folks!. To end I am going to quote Susie Moore, who says “It’s up to you to get the highest possible return on every day of your limited life.” I just love this.
With thanks to Makeu Seun, 8 Lessons from Older Americans, Mary Grace Garis, Addicted2success and Bronnie Ware for some amazing insight.
Wishing you a beautiful weekend making the most of your life.