Hello friends and welcome to my 69^th blog.

I am so over my over-apologising.

I say sorry when I want someone to repeat something. Why do I not say “pardon”?

I say sorry when I am trying to walk past someone and it’s a tight fit. What is wrong with the words “excuse me”?

I say soreee (very sarcastically) when someone is cross or irritated with me. Why can I not shut the flip up?

I say sorry when I have my elbow digging into a particularly inflamed muscle of my poor patient. Surely “bear with this” would be more useful.

In the above 4 examples, not once have I actually used the word “sorry” accurately.

I decided that I needed to understand the reason for my  doing this so frequently.. Donning the research and reading cap, I started to scrape the surface of this multifaceted topic.

As I always say, I am not a therapist or a life coach or a social worker. I just enjoy learning, researching, understanding, and making sense of my overall health. A great deal of what I write is my  opinion, and you may not agree with me. That is perfect. It is not about us all being completely on the same page. Different strokes for different folks, as they say in the classics.

Why do I say sorry so often?

1. It seems that some of the time that I say I am sorry is because I want to be considered likeable, kind and polite. I worry about what people think and I do not want to disappoint others. That people-pleasing aspect of my personality rears its atrocious head again.

 

2. This fluctuating self-esteem of mine (another future blog that is in progress) is another reason. If I feel that I am doing something wrong, being difficult, causing problems, being unreasonable, asking too much, then “I am sorry “seems to roll off my tongue with great ease.

 

3. When I am feeling guilty, I over apologise to get reassurance from others.

 

 

4. When I want things to be perfect (although I am not OCD) I start to feel inadequate and apologise for things not being flawless. This is particularly evident when I cook for entertaining purposes, when I do not publish a blog fortnightly (this one is a week late!) or when I do not manage my time perfectly.

 

5. Sometimes when I feel uncomfortable or awkward, I definitely do apologise as I seem not to be able to know what to say or do. On other occasions I just have verbal diarrhoea. Not sure which is worse.

 

 

6. It has become a bad habit of mine, which is a settled tendency or usual manner of behaviour. Habits is a definite future blog but let us leave it at this for the moment.

What effect can this over apologising have?

This ongoing saying sorry story can get very irritating and annoying for others. Folk also may lose respect for you, as too much apologising sends the message that you are ineffectual, uncertain and incompetent.  If you say sorry too often, your true apologies may carry less weight later on. Your self-esteem, as mentioned above, may be lowered, or remain lower, and you may lose your power and integrity.

Of course, there are times when we all need to apologise.

1. When we have done something wrong and hurt someone’s feelings, been disrespectful, said or done something offensive. Boy, oh boy, sadly my shooting from the hip often warrants a heartful apology. A work in progress(again).
2. Choosing a relationship over being right

Apologising for the pain and difficulty in the situation, even if you did not cause it. This shows you place higher value on the other person than you do on the need to be right. I think this is so true, but often difficult to digest.

3. Losing one battle to win the war.

There will be a number of battles in your relationships, at work and at home, and it would be beyond exhausting to prove ourselves right every time. Sometimes an apology may be necessary in order to win the big battle, maintain peace, finish a project, and so much less tiring.

4. Taking one for the team

The greatest leaders have historically apologised for the mistakes that the teams make, and accept whatever blame comes their way.

5. Truly being sad for someone and their loss or their circumstances.

There will always be a time for us to show true sympathy for someone .

 

Some debatable areas.

 

 

1. My feelings.

It really should not be necessary to apologise for this. Most of the time there is a reason for my feelings and emotions. I may be tired or sad or had a long day or missing someone or I may not be on top form and that’s okay. As long as I do not go and then upset someone else. I really do just need to acknowledge the emotion, pause, do something positive about managing it, and then try to park it. Another toil

 

2. Having boundaries.

For Goodness’s sake, there is absolutely no need to apologise for this. More recently, when someone has asked me to do something that I really do nor want to do, or need to do, I seem to always apologise, which is just stupid and totally unnecessary.

 

3. My sensitivity.

I think perhaps I am one of the most sensitive people in the world. I have been known to apologise for this, and I sometimes I think that perhaps I need to. However, there are other times when I do not think I ought to. An interesting one and some food for thought.

 

4. My appearance.

I One should never have to apologise for the way one is looking, but I have done so and will no doubt, continue to do. It is really silly. Who actually cares that sometimes I do not have make up on and do not put on my smartest kit?

 

5. Not getting over something quickly.

There are definitely two sides to this. Sometimes if I have been down or upset about something for too long, I do feel that perhaps I need to apologise to my nearest and dearest. Ongoing “woe is me” is not terribly attractive, particularly if the thing is not that big. If one has had a devastating or tragic loss, no apology is ever necessary or warranted.

 

6. Self-care.

No one should ever have to apologise for wanting some time for themselves. Taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself is vital, for self-preservation and in order to be the best that you can be for others. Repetition, but well worth it.

 

7. Not responding quickly to messages timeously.

Guilty as charged.  I do seem to have to say sorry fairly frequently for not being able to take calls. These may be from patient’s or their relatives or sometimes friends and family. Not right and this needs to change.

 

8. My choices.

I do not have to be sorry for this, unless I have hurt or harmed others due to the course or action I have taken

 

9. My beliefs

In my opinion no one should ever have to apologise for their beliefs. If they differ from other and may cause folk to take umbrage, I should rather just remain silent.

 

10. Things I cannot control.

I should not apologise for this, rather just try find a solution to the problem or situation.

 

11. Not having all the answers.

I think I would be far better off searching for the answers, rather than saying sorry.

 

My mission now is to stop this vociferous over apologising and below are some ideas as to how I might achieve this.

 

1. I will notice what I am thinking.

Awareness is key in making a change. I will try to become intentional and authentic with my apologies. I may be saying sorry because I am feeling vulnerable or hurt. I need to establish the reason for my wanting to apologise

 

2. Is an apology actually necessary?

Did I do something wrong? How bad was it? Will I be forgiven?  I will ask a trusted friend or my favourite and then decide whether I should say that I am sorry.

3. Rephrase

Choose another word. Instead of saying I am sorry, I may say, thank you for your patience or understanding. I could say unfortunately I did not order this, or excuse me, I need to pass, or I have a question.

I am just hoping that from now on I can perhaps be a little more mindful of using the words “sorry” or “I apologise”.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

With thanks to Kali Coleman, Sharon Martin, John Hall and Randy Conley.