Hello there and welcome to my 105th blog,
For various reasons, thoughts of the phrase people pleasing have occupied my mind a great deal of late. Am I really a true people pleaser? I have been led to believe this is the case, the phrase having been bandied around by a few folks to whom I have turned, when I have needed some guidance. I felt it was necessary to explore this further.
Reading and researching a little, I have learnt some interesting facts about this whole people pleasing phenomenon.
- It would seem that those folks who are properly people pleasers, constantly strive to please others, often sacrificing their own wants and needs in the process. That is not me. I really do not sacrifice my needs for others most of the time. I generally do get what I want and that is the truth.
- Nowadays especially I believe that I am true to myself, often, and I do not become whatever others want me to be. Frequently I am so able to say no if I feel that I cannot manage to do something for someone. Granted, I do struggle to say no to invitations, but this is more because I really enjoy socialising. If I am not feeling hundreds, I will say so, and I am not shy about voicing my opinion and disagreeing with people when discussing things.
- Where I fail somewhat dismally is going along with things to keep the peace and avoid friction. This then often ends badly when I feel grumpy and crotchety quite soon thereafter and create unnecessary issues which my favourite has to deal with.
- I also do get stressed, sometimes overstressed when I realise that, in fact, I have over committed and I become overwhelmed, tired, and irritable.
- I do not allow people to take advantage of me, mostly, and I do feel that my needs matter, hugely.
- It would seem that my inherent historical low self-esteem may have added to this people pleasing. However, over the years, as I have matured, I have definitely developed quite a good self-esteem, so perhaps that has lessened the people-pleasing desire somewhat.
- Sadly, as I have got older, I seem to have become more anxious – rather a people pleasing trait it would appear. When I chat to friends, a number of them agree with me, regarding this as they also feel that age has increase their anxiety and worry tendencies.
- This whole conflict story, also aligned to people pleasing, is a difficult one for me. I don’t want conflict but then I get myself into a state and shoot from the hip, creating issues and far greater conflict than would have been the case had I spoken up sooner, without aggression or defensiveness.
- I think that my childhood influenced this whole people pleasing story hugely. Growing up in a home where there was a great deal of conflict and tension increased my need to keep everyone happy in order to create a more calming environment.
Having discussed some of the things associated with people pleasing, let us take a look at the general risks that may be associated with the affliction of people pleasing.
- Stress
I can most definitely vouch for this as mentioned above. When work gets too much or I am saying yes to more than I ought to, or when I am not being totally true to myself on the odd occasion, I become very stressed, and the anxiety and worry increase.
- Fatigue
With the stress, becoming overwhelmed and just doing too much, comes mental and physical tiredness, more often than I believe is healthy for my wellness.
- Neglect
I do not suffer from this. I always make time for me. I may not make the time to get the grey taken out of my hair or spend as much time reading for leisure, or just being, but on the whole, I think I am fairly well sorted with this.
- Resentment
This is a biggie for me, ask my favourite. I say yes to things, pretend that I am happy to go with the flow, offer to do stuff, and then, boom, it all goes pear. I become super resentful when people take me up on offers, I should not have made and start taking it out on the wrong people. This is something I really do need to work on, big time. Even more important is offering to do things for people that I do not want to do, and then they accept when I think they should not have. All a little worrying!
- Relationship problems
I am beyond blessed to have the most incredible people in my life who seem to be able to manage me pretty darn well. There have been the odd times when I have had to apologise properly but generally speaking, this is all good. Thankfully, my closest accept me, warts, and all.
- Loss of identity
This is not really me. I know how I feel, and what I want, most of the time. I am also very much in touch with my needs. Just occasionally the wearing of my various caps gets a wee bit blurry, but that is okay.
So, I have established that I am a people pleaser. Now I would like to be less of one.
How can I do this?
- Pause
So, I need to pause (a previous blog was devoted to this) and make sure that what has been requested of me is in line with my values and needs. Also, again, I need to make sure that I pause before offering something that I do not really want to do. This could be tricky at times.
- Baby steps
I need to try to commit to one of my needs at a time. So, I could perhaps start by just breathing, pausing, (again) regrouping, and reassessing. Then deciding whether something will serve me or not. One step at a time. This is definitely manageable.
- Setting time limits
If I offer to do something, I must ensure that I have set a time limit for this myself, and not wait for others to do set this limit for me. Otherwise, I will most definitely get very resentful, and that is just so unnecessary. I hope to be able to do this.
- Time blocking
Blocking off time just to do stuff for me. This is an awesome idea and one I really think I could get into and make a habit. I am the old-fashioned girl who still uses a paper diary and I can imagine pencilling in “me time” with glee.
- Rehearsing no
This may be quite hard for me, at times, though not at others. I have this pathetic guilt thing going on. Just wish I could lose it, irrevocably. A work in progress, but one definitely worth striving for.
- Not taking too much on
Sometimes I feel that in order for me to feel validated, I have to keep busy and that is not always great. Nobody actually cares whether I am busy or not, and often what happens is that I drop balls, and then that is so not cool. As I have said, this can also affect my health and wellness. This I must work on.
- Identifying why I may be people pleasing
Is it to feel better about myself? Is it to feel that I am wanting to be liked more, invited places more, or that I am just feeling a little low? Any, or all of these, can be managed and this is one I need to think about and make sense of.
- Setting boundaries
Even creating a timetable and dividing it up into the different chunks of my life so that I can try to create a more balanced life.
- Stop saying I will go with the flow
I have to stop saying that I will go with the flow as this is a load of codswallop. Most of the time I have the strongest and most definite opinions and ideas as to what I actually want to do. So, I need to stop saying this right now.
So, mostly my thoughts, with a little input from Zawn Villines.
The bottom line for me here, is just that I am really pleased to be learning and accepting more and more about the essence of me, as well as striving to be the best version of myself.
Hope that something in my blog resonated with you.
Wishing you all a beautiful rest of week.