Hello fantastic folk and welcome to my forty-second blog!

So appreciate the kind and wonderful feedback from you all. As most of you know my blogs come straight from my heart and are a big part of my ongoing healing and personal growth.

As you all know, I talk a lot, I often shoot from the hip, and in actual fact, very often, there does not seem to be a connection between my vocal mechanisms and my brain! Oh to be able to keep my big mouth shut, or at the very least to be able to monitor what comes out of it. I would really cherish being able to think before I speak, if not all the time, just most of the time.

I cannot count the number of times over many years that I have said things that have got me into trouble, hurt, and upset others and sometimes caused unnecessary pain.

Let us start with my boys. Things like,” Please do not stress, we will still love you if you do not pass your exams”. I mean, really. The boy is nipping enough as it is, what good will saying that do?  Also, stuff like ”Wow, your skin has really broken out, hasn’t it” I mean, seriously, the kid has seen himself in the mirror, all the time and obviously knows that he has a pulsating mass on his forehead. Goodness, me!  Yet another, after a relationship breakup, “How are you feeling?”  How ridiculous am I saying that! He is obviously not feeling great, for flip’s sake! Really!!

When I am feeling vulnerable, insecure, and anxious, I realize now that I definitely say hurtful things, mostly to make me feel better about myself or my situation. This has only dawned on me very recently, during lockdown in fact when I have had more time to think on these things. Usually, very soon after I have used my tongue like a viper, I register that what I have said is mean and nasty and I have hurt my friend/s a great deal.  I regret it immediately, but then I am usually too scared to apologize and make amends. By the time I pluck up enough courage to ask for forgiveness, it is a while after, and that is not acceptable. Fortunately, I have magnificent friends who usually forgive me. I am working a great deal on this.

Then there is the inadvertent blurting out of some gossip about someone else, in a group of people, usually women, just to add some spice to the conversation, which just so futile and could be distressing. Why oh why? The thing is, I feel contrite about whatever I have said, the moment these words have left my mouth, and even before they have reached my audience’s ears.  I definitely need assistance in this regard.

One thing I have now learned is that one should never speak about weight. People are either trying to lose weight, or they have lost and have started to put it back on, or they are too thin, and some(that might be me) would love to hear that they are, but they may have an eating disorder or a serious disease, and to talk about it may be detrimental to their mental health.  Oh, my word, a topic best avoided, as it seems to be a no-win story. I think this is one of the reasons I am doing my best to concentrate on health as opposed to weight!

Fortunately, I have become more subtle and careful when chatting with my patients and my clients. That is after the embarrassing moment, many years ago, with a toddler’s mum who was my patient. I asked her when her next baby was due. She replied that she was not pregnant but was just struggling to lose her baby weight. At that moment, I just wished the floor could have just swallowed me up. I have never made that mistake again.

I have also been the brunt of friends not thinking before they speak. This has never been done with malicious intent or unkindness, most often done in jest or to help me. The times that my weight gain was mentioned during those horrid days when I was carrying so much pain and felt so lost. My friends did not know this. Also, my loud voice and huge laugh get mentioned more times than I care to remember. I am learning, and it’s going well, to desensitize myself around this. Lockdown has also been good for this!

In spite of all this, my not thinking before I speak is definitely improving and for this.  I have a sounding board or two who are so helpful in this endeavour.  However, I also felt that I still needed to dig deeper so I did some reading and some more soul searching and this is what I learned.

1. Before one speaks, one needs to pause, take a deep breath, and think. Will, it hurt the person to whom you are speaking if you talk about this? If it will, it is your cue to zip up, change the subject, or honestly just say,” I really do not know what to say”. If you genuinely care about someone and their feelings, and you know it will cause them anguish to chat about it, just say nothing.
2. If a friend asks whether you like their new outfit, hairstyle, or shoes, and you really do not think any of it is great, I think one should just try to say something nice. So, you could say,” Wow, that haircut is just perfect for the summer” (if you think it is too short) or “I love the fabric of your new dress” (if you do not care for the style) or “I really love the colour of your new shoes”   (if you think they are awful). It will very seldom serve you or help your friend if you are brutally honest.
3. If someone says something that you know is complete and utter nonsense, it is still not a good idea to tell them just this. Perhaps you can ask them where they sourced their information, in a gentle (not belittling or maligning) fashion. Then you could say,” Oh, that is not what I read in whatever.” or you could just remain silent. Keeping it calm and friendly-like. We are not all perfect and we all make mistakes, it is not always necessary to point out the fact that someone is blatantly wrong.
4. If I am in a group of people, and they start chatting about someone who is not in the group, I want to be that person to not pass judgement, and I want to be that person to keep quiet. Not to criticize others, but just not to add to the conversation. Thinking about how I would feel if someone spoke about me in that way.
5. When it comes to my children, I am trying to stop myself before my inner protective Mum instinct blurts out silly stuff. This is slow, and it is so very hard, particularly when what I say comes from a place of deep nurturing and endless love.
6. I have definitely noticed that when someone addresses me in a negative manner or says something that hurts me (sensitive Sadie again!), I often overreact, say something irrational as a retort, become aggressive, and defensive, and then it all just goes completely pear. Dearie me! So, what I would really like to aim for, is to try very hard to sit still with my restlessness, hurt, and sensations of anger. I would then hope to reply in a cordial, calm, and rational manner. Please hold thumbs for me in this department, for I fear it may be a long journey. It really is not about suppressing one’s feelings and emotions, but rather about changing one’s reaction and response to what has been said.
7. If someone is offering me constructive criticism in a gentle way, I really need to put my ego aside and conscientiously evaluate what they have said. I need to keep quiet and give a response after I have thought through and processed their words. It is in my best interest to do this, because even if it is not what I want to hear, it may be potentially beneficial for me to use the opportunity to learn something really important about myself. Wow – this may be terribly hard.
8. When a person is on their soapbox and going berserk and letting off steam and if they are fired up and not really willing to listen to anything you might say, it really may be best to just zip up. Let them talk and listen attentively, At the end of their tirade, perhaps gently, offer a non-critical, non-judgemental, and non-defensive alternative perspective. I have been able to do this with some degree of success, sometimes.
9. I need to learn to use cues from my body. If my face feels as though it is turning red, if my heart rate is rising, if my hands are beginning to shake, or if  I feel a full-on energy surge, then my emotions are definitely threatening to overtake any rational or logical thought. This is the time for deep breathing (again) and holding my tongue until my body’s homeostasis has returned.
10. I need to check my intentions before I voice my opinion. Am I really trying to help, inform, encourage, or support a friend, or am I just wanting to speak?   If I heard the words that I am about to say to them, would they make me happy? If not then I just need to be silent.
11. Some words or phrases are just not positive or uplifting to anyone in any circumstances, so lose them. You know those negative hurtful ones, those offensive comments, like “It was just a joke” or “Just take a chill pill”. Bin them.
12. We have not walked one step in anyone else’s shoes so, let us rather keep quiet than say anything that may be misconstrued or upsetting.
13. Family history, health concerns, racism, religious or spiritual beliefs, politics are all topics that have an enormous amount of emotional sensitivity attached to them. Try not to start these conversations and if someone wants to engage you, be very careful and very circumspect.
14. Avoid talking about physical appearance. We are all beautiful and are worthy of love and respect no matter what we look like. Everyone and I mean everyone, has at least one of more hang-ups about their physical appearance, so what is the pint in chatting about this?
15. Assess your whole audience when gaily giving your opinion. Make sure that you have considered them all and that you are not going to hurt anyone.
16. There is a definite time to talk. Do not text. If you have something to say that may be taken the wrong way, do not WhatsApp someone. The written word can not be erased. Talk to them.
17. If you do not have anything pleasant to say, do not say it at all. Just be kind.

I really hope that you can take home something from this. It is all quite deep, and actually, in spite of all that I have written, I am thrilled with my ongoing progress. The bottom line for me is that I am definitely still going to talk, heaven forbid if I could not,  but I will think before I do this, and then have only beautiful, kind, and thoughtful words coming from my mouth, most of the time!

With thanks to Leon F Seltzer, Evolutions of the self and Lachlan brown, Power of Positivity.

Tip number forty-one.

Let us try to listen more and talk less. We have two ears and one mouth so that we really can listen twice as much as we speak.