Hello there everyone and welcome to my seventy-third blog.

It has been one heck of a year. There seems to have been a dreadful amount of suffering, sadness, tragedy, and loss.

With this in mind and considering the world at large, towards the end of September I decided that October, my birthday month, was going to be my acts of kindness month. This came after a little deliberation, but not much thought. The word random was not going to be a part of my mission, simply because one of the definitions of random is “made, done or happening without method or conscious decision”. In my heart, I wanted my acts of kindness to be thought about and done with intention. This proved to be quite challenging.

From the outset, I took the decision to journal and count my deeds as I knew my memory would not serve me after thirty-one days. I also did quite a bit of research so that I could get some ideas on various ways in which one could sprinkle kindness. In retrospect, I did not really use many of them. It was more about gut feel.

I started the month with great energy, enthusiasm, and gusto. I had no idea what the month would hold and, although I approached it with some trepidation, I also felt very excited about it all. I did not know what to expect from my posts on social media but felt that I did need to post regularly, as I felt they would keep me accountable, and they would assist me in my consistent endeavours to achieve my goal. Over the month I received some amazing positive reinforcement. I was especially thrilled to get messages from people from whom I least expected to hear. It was also heartwarming when out socializing and  friends would made jokes about doing stuff as their act of kindness for the month. I felt that my message was getting out and this made me content.

At stages, I felt a little flat, and that is to be expected. I pressed on regardless and was beyond happy that at the end of my birthday month I had performed 225 acts of kindness. I had achieved, 8 times more than I had hoped to do. A double-edged sword in hindsight as my competitive streak could perhaps override my good intention at times. I decided to just let this be.

Being kind can be extremely hard at times and often not a gentle walk in the park. There were days when I was grumpy and cross and wanted to throw kindness out the window, preferably from a fifty-floor building. Sometimes, when I felt sad, personally and for the world,  I wondered how I could even contemplate trying to make it a better place. On others, when it was particularly quiet, I wondered whether people actually cared about being kind. A wee bit of “woe is me”, and then some serious contemplation. I decided that most people do not want to share their acts of kindness, and why should they? The realization of this did bring some guilt and shame as my mission was about others and making them happier, not about appeasing me and making me feel like a paragon of virtues. Also, so many people out there are just trying to put one foot in front of the other, as they deal with their loss and grief. Thoughts of kindness would not be foremost in their minds.

It really is a bit like the whole eating and trying to optimise your health and wellness narrative. I fall off the wagon, sometimes, often, but then I just pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. It’s not a competition, it’s not a race. It’s a consistent effort and an ongoing goal.  If it is onerous at times, that is good. It makes it more worthwhile. Coming to this conclusion made me quite pleased, and it reassured me big time. It may  take the rest of my life to feel that in my teeny-weeny way I have made the world a better place, and that is just fine.

What I also realised, probably more retrospectively, is that a true act of kindness is one performed expecting nothing back, and that can sometimes be a tad difficult. As mentioned above, I really do thrive on affirmation and positive reinforcement. What i needed to acknowledge was that If I do something caring for someone,  it must be done because I want to do it, not because I want them to then tell me how absolutely flipping amazingly wonderful, I am ! That is often not going to happen. Also, if I analyse this, it comes back to my (at times rather fluctuating) self-esteem. I remain optimistic that I am cognisant of this and will continue to persevere in its management.

Another point I feel that I should make for me personally is that I need to be careful about the undertaking of each and every caring thing that I do. I need to think them through and be honest with myself that I am able and prepared to follow through with the act in its entirety. I noticed on more than one occasion, that a hint of resentment, manifesting in my mind. This then just made me cross and irritated. Just feeling that perhaps I was being taken advantage of. I put a stop to this, by either curtailing the act or completing it and learning from it. This highlights the importance for me of thought-out acts of kindness.

I also figured that paying acts of kindness forward can be really beneficial in helping make the world a happier and better place. I am striving to do just this. So, instead of accepting or repaying the original deed, I try to do something kind for someone else. This really resonates very well with me.

An integral part of these acts of kindness is being kind to me. My management of this ebbs and flows. I will continue to strive towards taking care of myself physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. This is also about aiming to stop beating myself up over a lot and being very hard on myself. My needs are as important as the needs of others. I do believe that I am making inroads on this.

So, yet another learning curve and an amazing month of enlightenment for me. As I have said before, quote unquote, “It’s never too late and you are never too old.” I am hoping that I can continue learning and discovering for many, many more years.

Based on all of this and my personal belief that there actually is  an abundance of positivity surrounding this kindness story, I have now concluded that I will continue this mission. Kindness really does matter. Kindness and love also go hand in hand. It may not always be easy but I am prepared for that. I will continue  journalling and trying my very best.

From here on I shall aim to scatter and sprinkle kindness for as long as I can, in all the places that I can and with all the people that I can. It really is just about making our beautiful world a happier place, bit by bit and one step at a time.

Let us all just “Try to be kind”.

Wishing you all a week of caring.